When a marriage is at its breaking point and the couple feels hopeless and frustrated, many people turn to couples counseling. But relationship therapy isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution and your therapist can’t wave a magic wand to fix your relationship.
By the time many couples seek counseling, it’s already too late. The problem is that many couples don’t realize this and continue to suffer in silence before getting therapy. In fact, many couples wait years before they seek professional help for their relationship.
If you want to save your relationship, the key is to recognize the signs early and do something to fix it. Learn the common but surprising reasons that couples counseling fails and discover whether it’s right for you.
What Is Couples Counseling and When Do You Need It?
Timing is critical when it comes to relationship counseling. If the two of you wait for the relationship to fall apart, it can already be too late to fix things. That’s why it’s important to seek counseling as soon as you notice problems in the relationship.
According to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, couples wait an average of six years before they seek help and consider therapy. Six years is a long time to let resentment build up. By that point in the marriage, many couples are past the point of fixing the relationship and not even counseling can help.
But does couples therapy work? It can if both partners are willing to put in the work and the two of you find the right therapist.
How do you know your relationship needs help? Start by looking for the signs that you may need relationship counseling.
Premarital Counseling vs Marriage Counseling
Are the two of you about to be married or have you been together for some time? The stage you’re at in your relationship impacts the type of counseling you should seek.
Premarital counseling helps couples to prepare for marriage. Receiving this type of therapy can help couples build a strong foundation for their marriage. In premarital counseling, some of the goals are to help couples learn to resolve conflicts in a healthy way and to encourage communication.
Seeking premarital counseling doesn’t necessarily mean that the two of you have a problem with your relationship. It can simply be a way to strengthen your bond.
On the other hand, marriage counseling is a therapy for married couples experiencing difficulties in their relationship. This type of therapy is meant for couples with problems that they have trouble resolving on their own. Sometimes, this can be the result of a partner’s habits or a feeling that the two of you have fallen out of love.
What if Your Partner Refuses Therapy?
What if you want to try relationship counseling but your partner doesn’t want to or feels that therapy is unnecessary? In situations like these, the relationship falls apart because one partner is unwilling to change. They may ask, “Do we need couples therapy or can we fix this on our own?”
But if your partner refuses therapy, that doesn’t mean you can’t go alone. In fact, it could be very beneficial to your relationship if you do seek help. You are one half of the relationship, after all. If you strive to bring positive change, it might even encourage your partner to do the same.
Still not convinced or nervous about trying therapy on your own? Check out these reasons to go alone and see how it could help your relationship.
However, it’s still important to remember that your partner is the other half of your relationship. If they aren’t willing to change or work on the problems developing in your marriage then not even counseling can help.
How to Find a Relationship Therapist
So you’re ready to start therapy and repair your relationship, but how do you find a service for couple counseling that works for you?
You’ve probably realized it isn’t as easy as searching for local therapists online. With so many choices and types of therapy out there, it can get overwhelming.
A good place to start is the AAMFT (American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy). This professional organization provides the resources you need to find a marriage or relationship therapist.
With more than 15,000 MFTs (marriage and family therapists), their therapist locator is a useful tool to find a relationship therapist for the two of you.
Another option is to check with your insurance company for a list of preferred providers. You can also ask your family and friends if they know anyone if you feel comfortable discussing your situation with them.
Common Reasons That Couples Counseling Fails
So now you know more about couple counseling services and therapy, but does couple counseling work?
Relationship therapy isn’t a magical fix and sometimes relationships are beyond saving. Both you and your partner need to find the root cause of your relationship problems and work towards fixing them together. This isn’t an easy process, and sometimes a person isn’t ready to take that next step.
These are some of the most common reasons that couples counseling fails.
It’s Hard to Find the Right Therapist
A trained therapist can help the two of you through the process, but finding the right therapist can be difficult. Finding a therapist with qualifications isn’t hard, but you also need to find one that both you and your partner feel comfortable talking to. Your therapist must also be able to understand your situation and give you the right guidance.
Sometimes, finding the right fit takes several tries and couples get discouraged, leading to one or both partners dropping out. In order to prevent this and get the most out of your sessions, make sure the two of you feel comfortable opening up to your therapist.
Be honest, even when it’s difficult to face the truth and come to terms with your flaws. Confronting yourself and learning why you behave or react in a certain way can help you learn new, healthier behaviors. But you need to find a therapist that encourages introspection and self-growth.
Some styles of therapy avoid looking to the past for answers and instead focus solely on the present and future. But that style of therapy may not be what a couple needs. We may need to look to the past to understand our behaviors, even when it’s hard or painful to do so.
You and Your Partner Have Different Goals
What do you want out of your relationship and where do you see it going? Let’s say you plan on marriage and starting a family but your partner only thinks of this relationship as a short-term partnership. The two of you would have vastly different goals and plans for the future and the relationship could fall apart.
Another question to ask yourself is what your goals are by going to therapy. Do you think bringing the problems to the surface is the first step to recovery or is this a last resort to save a failing marriage?
For many couples, counseling is the last step they take before divorce. If your partner’s mind is made up and set on separation or divorce, it can be hard to break past that. You may not be able to change their mind at all.
It helps to ensure that the two of you ask yourselves what you plan on getting out of therapy and what your goals are for the future. Counseling may not be able to save a failing relationship, but it can’t help at all if the two of you don’t communicate.
Someone Doesn’t Want to Be There
One of the most common reasons that therapy for relationships fails is because one partner just doesn’t want to be there. They either don’t feel that counseling can help or they’ve already made up their mind and want to end the relationship.
Unfortunately, it’s very difficult to fix a relationship at this point. When one person doesn’t want to be there and you can’t change their mind, it’s often too late to save the relationship. Remember, both you and your partner must work together to make the relationship work.
Of course, one person can attend couples counseling alone. This can certainly benefit people in certain situations and help them change, particularly if they’re dealing with addiction or bad habits that hurt the relationship. But it’s important to remember that the other partner must also be willing to put in the work or at least offer their support in repairing the relationship.
You’re Ready to Listen but Not Ready to Work
Let’s say you’re willing to attend relationship therapy because you think the problems in the marriage are caused by your spouse. Maybe they have an addiction that’s hurting your relationship or you feel they don’t listen to you. But couples that go to counseling looking for a friend or sympathetic ear often don’t want to hear that they have their own flaws that could be harming the relationship.
Relationship problems are more often than not caused by the actions of both partners, whether you’re aware of it or not. How you deal with a problem can either heal or hurt your relationship. For example, you could shut yourself off or start an argument instead of using healthy coping mechanisms.
Couples that are ready to listen but not ready to work on themselves and their behaviors won’t get much out of couples therapy.
You Think Counseling Will Change Your Partner
Some couples go into counseling thinking that it will somehow “fix” their partner. Whether this is because of an addiction to drugs or alcohol, or a specific behavior that causes problems in the relationship, counseling cannot magically change your partner.
Both individuals must be willing to change and both participants must want to put in the work to save the relationship. If your goals or your feelings about the relationship are too different, counseling won’t be able to help.
There are times when one person isn’t ready for therapy or isn’t willing to change. Sometimes, they can’t accept their flaws or aren’t willing to get help. In this case, no amount of therapy could save the relationship until that person decides to change.
There’s No More Love Between You
In some cases, a relationship falls apart because couples fall out of love with one another. This can happen for many different reasons, but when it does it’s usually too late to salvage the relationship.
If you and your partner don’t feel the same love you once did, you may have changed as individuals and simply outgrown the relationship. In these cases, sometimes separation or divorce is the only option.
Many couples choose to stay together because of their children even though they don’t love each other the same way anymore. However, this can lead to unhappy marriages.
Seeing a therapist could help you decide on the best course of action for you and your family. But it’s important to understand that therapy may not be able to save a loveless relationship.
The Goals of Therapy Aren’t Clear
Your therapist could be a good listener, but they may not be able to give the two of you the support you need. This can often happen when your therapy lacks direction or the goals aren’t explained well enough by your therapist.
Your counselor needs to understand what went wrong in your relationship. They need to give you the guidance and tools you need to start working on those problems.
Since it takes time to work through your problems, the sooner your counselor notices them and helps you process them the better your chances of success. There should be a plan of action to follow along with a time frame and a course of action each spouse needs to take.
Should You Seek Couples Counseling?
Relationship counseling isn’t going to work in every situation. Many couples wait far too long before starting therapy or see a counselor as a last resort.
In order to get the most out of counseling, both participants need to be there willingly. They also need to want to change and fix the relationship. When receiving couples therapy advice, both participants must follow the plan of action given to them and make realistic goals and changes.
In the end, not every relationship can be saved. Learning to let go and move on can sometimes be the best thing you can do for your own happiness.